Geezer’s Corner – A Merry Mall Meeting

Published January 1, 2020

You’ve seen them at Christmas.  You know the ones I mean – they are older tired looking men with a beaten down appearance about them.  A lifetime of exhausting work and hard knocks has taken its toll.  Watch them as the Christmas shopping season gets under way.  They’ll drag themselves in the front mall entrance trailing behind their wives and wander aimlessly to the nearest bench to join other members of that exclusive and forgotten fraternity of grey beards.  They are the ones that have escaped hours of tedium watching their wives examine items that could qualify as a throw away gift for grumpy old Aunt Martha.  The boredom of the shopping mall was the reason that Mall Meetings came into being.

Mall meetings can’t be scheduled, and they usually just happen by chance especially at Christmas.  There was a grand crowd at a recent meeting.  My wife had spotted a friend of hers and when she walked off to talk to the person, I slipped my leash and hastily took my place among the top problem solvers of the nation.  I was soon to find out why it was crowded.  The reason was the presence of that famous world guru, Edsel Lamont Ferguson.  Edsel is a master at taking complex matters and simplifying them so the average bozo on the street can comprehend them. It had been ten years since he’d enlightened us at a mall meeting.  I believe I wrote about that lecture also.

In the past Edsel had been overlooked for awards because the self-centred geeks on award panels thought he tended to oversimplify his equations.  If a mathematical equation doesn’t cover at least seven pages, it can’t possibly be correct according to the long hair fraternity.  The last time he went to Sweden to claim his Nobel Prize which he no doubt deserved, he was flagrantly overlooked. He was so disappointed when they gave the award to that upstart Barak Obama.  Awards mean nothing to him now.  He is happy and contented as he tours the land on the lecture circuit.

He’d aged a bit in the last ten years, but he seemed happy enough sitting there grinning with the same tattered old John Deere cap tilted precariously over one ear. I believe he was wearing the same overalls!  He was fielding questions from the faithful with the effortless charm and grace that all great orators have in abundance. I found a space on a nearby bench.

A young reporter asked, “If you were Santa, what gift would you give to our Prime Minister?”  Edsel pushed his cap back so that his right ear disappeared and stared at the young newsman…  “Well, I’d give him a super GPS so he could tour the forgotten Prairie Provinces and study the region and just maybe pay attention to their needs.  He better know where he’s going – he won’t have much luck at asking directions. Oh, they’ll tell him where to go alright, but he won’t care much for the destination. We need less swagger and more substance in the PM office.”

He was then asked his opinion on the Liberal price on pollution which caused him to shake his head sadly.  “Young fellow lets call it what it is, it’s a carbon tax that will work as well as training wheels on an elephant’s butt.  When a government can’t figure out how to fix something, they tax it and sell the general population a big truckload of bull feathers. The climate crisis won’t and can’t be fixed by such a harebrained scheme.  All is not lost however; scientists are working hard on new ideas on how to take or keep carbon out of the atmosphere.  If the planet is to be saved it will not likely be saved by tax and spend governments that are more interested in staying in power than helping regular folks.”

Somebody shouted from the rear, “What is the biggest danger facing humankind today Edsel?”  Edsel looked slowly about and said, “Greed, corruption and a great lack of common sense.  The general population is getting slowly conditioned to accept less than stellar performances from our elected leaders.  We will even re-elect people who have been caught with both hands in the cookie jar, claiming proudly that he or she is the lesser of two evils”.

Edsel then rose slowly smiling broadly and adjusted his cap.  “Look guys, I know that you are in a hurry to get on with your shopping, so I’ll bring this meeting to a conclusion. You think that the inmates have taken over the asylum and government common sense is as common as tail feathers a bull moose, but its Christmas boys, so be happy and keep the faith.”

By Dale Dawson

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